“Hello and welcome back to our Interview Series. I’m Skip Jensen. Today we have a very unique guest. In fact, I’m fairly sure he’s never done anything like this before, at least not that I’m aware of. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...The Devil.”
“Greetings and salutations. And yes, though this is my first official interview, though it’s the first of many in the near future.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, today actually begins my world tour. I have something important to talk about.”
“Interesting, a world tour…will there be t-shirts?”
“Fuckin’ A”
“That’s a ‘yes’, then…I take it?”
“Yes, sorry. That’s a yes.”
“No problem. So something important, you say?”
“Correct. You see, I usually don’t get out much, especially as of late. Truth is, every minute I’m away is another opportunity for a takeover down there.”
“A takeover?”
“Yeah. A takeover…for control. For thousands of years I’ve been able to keep Tupperware-tight reign over, well...you know, the netherworld. I mean, even with the likes of Hitler, Attila the Hun, and Nixon running around scheming I’ve kept pretty good control…for Hell, anyways. But the last couple years…man, oh man. Do you realize that you all sent both Sadam Hussein and Anna Nicole Smith down there within a two month period? I mean, excuse the expression, but what the Hell are you people trying to do to me?”
“Point taken. I, for one, hadn’t realized. I’m sure those who were responsible for scheduling-”
“But that’s not the big problem.”
“Oh?”
“No. The reason I’m here today is to talk about this place.”
“You came to talk about an interview studio?”
“No, you jackass. This planet, Earth.”
“Now really. The name calling is hardly necessary. I swear…the abuse I take at this job.”
“My apologies, I’ve been a bit on edge. I’m quitting smoking on top of everything else. Forgive me.”
“Forgiven. And good luck. I’ve quit sixteen times, the patch…it’s great. So, anyhow…you came to talk about Earth.”
“Correct.”
“And what is it exactly that we human beings are doing here on this Earth that has drawn you from you throne of fire and brimstone?”
“Well, quite bluntly. You’re fucking up the curve.”
“Come again?”
“I said- you’re fucking up the curve.”
“Hmm.”
“As a planet, you’re fucking up the curve.”
“Um…ok, Mr. Vague McMystery. Would you be kind enough to explain how we are fucking up said curve? And while you’re at it, perhaps a clue as to what curve it is that we are fucking up?”
“You’re a very angry man. You do realize that I’ll be your boss one day.”
“Hell doesn’t scare me, I’ve been married.”
“Touché”
“The curve?”
“Right. It’s like this. For what, I dunno…thousands of years people have roamed this silly little planet in complete fear of the devastating pain and suffering they would experience if they misbehaved and ended up in Hell. It wasn’t easy spreading that kind of fear throughout an entire planet. I put a lot of effort, not to mention cold hard cash, into coming up with such strong and forceful marketing campaign. My team has been working hand over fist to continue to keep the advertising fresh and hip, you know…involve the younger crowd, baby boomers and such.”
“Wait a second, Hell has a marketing campaign?”
“You bet your fat ass it does. How could something be so prominent for so many years without at least a bit of suggestiveness? But I’m getting away from the point, my therapist says I have an issue with staying on task…she thinks I might have A.D.D.”
“You have a therapist!?”
“Well duh. I’m the fucking Devil. You think Tony Soprano had guilt issues he needed to get past. For fuck’s sake, I torture people for all of eternity. It can get to you sometimes.”
“I had no idea.”
“Again, weakness is not something the ruler of all that is evil should necessarily advertise.”
“Fair enough. Please, the curve…go on.”
“Right. Here’s the situation. Simply put, you people have allowed things to get so incredibly messed up here on Earth that Hell just doesn’t stand out in comparison like it once did. After people spend enough time dealing with all the war, famine, death, pain, disease, natural disasters- by the way that Al Gore fellow is on to something- not to mention certain political leaders continued efforts to re-create Hell here on earth.”
“Re-create?”
“Yep. A few years back, I was in my office with my staff. We were trying to come up with a new slogan for Hell. Ya know, something really fucked up…scare the shit out of people down here. Anyways, during the meeting we decided we needed to check out the original blueprints for Hell. But when we went to retrieve them, they were gone. Stolen.”
“So somebody stole…”
“Not somebody! I know who it was. I knew it then, just needed proof. You see there are a few select beings here on Earth who are just down right evil, even by my standards. In fact, these individuals are so horribly twisted that they are not bound to everyday physical/metaphysical rules. These are actually allowed to travel back and forth from here on Earth to Hell. Just come and go as they please. One of those beings is the Vice President.”
“Dick?”
“You bet he is. Cocky little, beady eyed, son-of-a-”
“Ahem. Please, try to refrain.”
“Right. Sorry. Anyhow, not only was he around that day…said he was just there for his community service. He shot a guy in the face and got away with it, you know….fucking amazing what these guys are pulling off up here lately.”
“It’s all beginning to make sense now.”
“Bet your ass it is. Anyway, since that day- it was the summer of 2001, I believe- Things here on Earth have gone step by step with the blueprint for creating Hell. From terrorists who claim to be against terrorism to the premier of “Rock of Love”, it’s all in the grand plan for ultimate pain and suffering, fire and brimstone. Brittney, Paris, Iraq, Darfur, global warming, Simon Cowell- he’s another one with a free pass- they are all stepping stones set forth by those with power.”
“The electric companies?”
“Not that power, you ‘tard.”
“You’re not very nice, you know.”
“I’ve been told that once or twice, yeah.”
“So you’re saying that the ‘people in power’ here on Earth have stolen the blueprint to Hell and are trying to convert our planet.”
“In a nutshell. Which, you can understand would sorta steal my thunder when folks show up down there expecting, and I quote: ‘endless suffering in graphic and gruesome detail whilst being tormented by the demons who hold the power.’ That particular quote was written many thousand years ago as Hell’s first official tagline by my great, great granddevil. Now, tell me that don’t sound like your average Sunday headline up here nowadays.”
“Point taken.”
“Fuckin’ A.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Oh, I just….fuckin’ A, is all…just…anyways…”
“So, what can be done to re-balance things out? Any suggestions or are you just here to bitch?”
“What did you just say?”
“I’m sorry, it’s getting late…and it’s quite hot in here. I’m getting irritable.”
“No problem. The heat thing is probably my fault. But to answer your question, um…let’s see…stop being such a bunch of assholes to each other and the planet? That would probably be a pretty good start. I dunno, maybe plant a fucking tree or feed a homeless guy…oh, I got one…what if, and I know this is going to sound crazy…but, what if, you all stopped killing each other faster than I can say ‘religion’ for stupid, non-existent or man-made reasons.”
“Very insightful.”
“And cancel American Idol already. We don’t even allow that shit down south for fear it’s too inhumane. And trust me, we know inhumane…we have Cop Rock marathons on every channel on Sundays!”
“I’ll pass on the information. Thank you for the advisory. Well, it’s been wonderful having you here. I must admit, I wasn’t sure what to expect exactly, I mean, you hear Devil and your mind can tend to run with it.”
“Standard human, stereotypical buillshit. You guys really are fucked up up here. I’m outie.”
“And that, coming from Satan himself, folks. Scary.”
“Asshole.”
“Once again, I’m Skip Jensen bringing you the big names with the big games. Big…games? What the hell does that mean? Who writes this stuff? Anyhow, thanks again…and have a great night.”
“Greetings and salutations. And yes, though this is my first official interview, though it’s the first of many in the near future.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, today actually begins my world tour. I have something important to talk about.”
“Interesting, a world tour…will there be t-shirts?”
“Fuckin’ A”
“That’s a ‘yes’, then…I take it?”
“Yes, sorry. That’s a yes.”
“No problem. So something important, you say?”
“Correct. You see, I usually don’t get out much, especially as of late. Truth is, every minute I’m away is another opportunity for a takeover down there.”
“A takeover?”
“Yeah. A takeover…for control. For thousands of years I’ve been able to keep Tupperware-tight reign over, well...you know, the netherworld. I mean, even with the likes of Hitler, Attila the Hun, and Nixon running around scheming I’ve kept pretty good control…for Hell, anyways. But the last couple years…man, oh man. Do you realize that you all sent both Sadam Hussein and Anna Nicole Smith down there within a two month period? I mean, excuse the expression, but what the Hell are you people trying to do to me?”
“Point taken. I, for one, hadn’t realized. I’m sure those who were responsible for scheduling-”
“But that’s not the big problem.”
“Oh?”
“No. The reason I’m here today is to talk about this place.”
“You came to talk about an interview studio?”
“No, you jackass. This planet, Earth.”
“Now really. The name calling is hardly necessary. I swear…the abuse I take at this job.”
“My apologies, I’ve been a bit on edge. I’m quitting smoking on top of everything else. Forgive me.”
“Forgiven. And good luck. I’ve quit sixteen times, the patch…it’s great. So, anyhow…you came to talk about Earth.”
“Correct.”
“And what is it exactly that we human beings are doing here on this Earth that has drawn you from you throne of fire and brimstone?”
“Well, quite bluntly. You’re fucking up the curve.”
“Come again?”
“I said- you’re fucking up the curve.”
“Hmm.”
“As a planet, you’re fucking up the curve.”
“Um…ok, Mr. Vague McMystery. Would you be kind enough to explain how we are fucking up said curve? And while you’re at it, perhaps a clue as to what curve it is that we are fucking up?”
“You’re a very angry man. You do realize that I’ll be your boss one day.”
“Hell doesn’t scare me, I’ve been married.”
“Touché”
“The curve?”
“Right. It’s like this. For what, I dunno…thousands of years people have roamed this silly little planet in complete fear of the devastating pain and suffering they would experience if they misbehaved and ended up in Hell. It wasn’t easy spreading that kind of fear throughout an entire planet. I put a lot of effort, not to mention cold hard cash, into coming up with such strong and forceful marketing campaign. My team has been working hand over fist to continue to keep the advertising fresh and hip, you know…involve the younger crowd, baby boomers and such.”
“Wait a second, Hell has a marketing campaign?”
“You bet your fat ass it does. How could something be so prominent for so many years without at least a bit of suggestiveness? But I’m getting away from the point, my therapist says I have an issue with staying on task…she thinks I might have A.D.D.”
“You have a therapist!?”
“Well duh. I’m the fucking Devil. You think Tony Soprano had guilt issues he needed to get past. For fuck’s sake, I torture people for all of eternity. It can get to you sometimes.”
“I had no idea.”
“Again, weakness is not something the ruler of all that is evil should necessarily advertise.”
“Fair enough. Please, the curve…go on.”
“Right. Here’s the situation. Simply put, you people have allowed things to get so incredibly messed up here on Earth that Hell just doesn’t stand out in comparison like it once did. After people spend enough time dealing with all the war, famine, death, pain, disease, natural disasters- by the way that Al Gore fellow is on to something- not to mention certain political leaders continued efforts to re-create Hell here on earth.”
“Re-create?”
“Yep. A few years back, I was in my office with my staff. We were trying to come up with a new slogan for Hell. Ya know, something really fucked up…scare the shit out of people down here. Anyways, during the meeting we decided we needed to check out the original blueprints for Hell. But when we went to retrieve them, they were gone. Stolen.”
“So somebody stole…”
“Not somebody! I know who it was. I knew it then, just needed proof. You see there are a few select beings here on Earth who are just down right evil, even by my standards. In fact, these individuals are so horribly twisted that they are not bound to everyday physical/metaphysical rules. These are actually allowed to travel back and forth from here on Earth to Hell. Just come and go as they please. One of those beings is the Vice President.”
“Dick?”
“You bet he is. Cocky little, beady eyed, son-of-a-”
“Ahem. Please, try to refrain.”
“Right. Sorry. Anyhow, not only was he around that day…said he was just there for his community service. He shot a guy in the face and got away with it, you know….fucking amazing what these guys are pulling off up here lately.”
“It’s all beginning to make sense now.”
“Bet your ass it is. Anyway, since that day- it was the summer of 2001, I believe- Things here on Earth have gone step by step with the blueprint for creating Hell. From terrorists who claim to be against terrorism to the premier of “Rock of Love”, it’s all in the grand plan for ultimate pain and suffering, fire and brimstone. Brittney, Paris, Iraq, Darfur, global warming, Simon Cowell- he’s another one with a free pass- they are all stepping stones set forth by those with power.”
“The electric companies?”
“Not that power, you ‘tard.”
“You’re not very nice, you know.”
“I’ve been told that once or twice, yeah.”
“So you’re saying that the ‘people in power’ here on Earth have stolen the blueprint to Hell and are trying to convert our planet.”
“In a nutshell. Which, you can understand would sorta steal my thunder when folks show up down there expecting, and I quote: ‘endless suffering in graphic and gruesome detail whilst being tormented by the demons who hold the power.’ That particular quote was written many thousand years ago as Hell’s first official tagline by my great, great granddevil. Now, tell me that don’t sound like your average Sunday headline up here nowadays.”
“Point taken.”
“Fuckin’ A.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Oh, I just….fuckin’ A, is all…just…anyways…”
“So, what can be done to re-balance things out? Any suggestions or are you just here to bitch?”
“What did you just say?”
“I’m sorry, it’s getting late…and it’s quite hot in here. I’m getting irritable.”
“No problem. The heat thing is probably my fault. But to answer your question, um…let’s see…stop being such a bunch of assholes to each other and the planet? That would probably be a pretty good start. I dunno, maybe plant a fucking tree or feed a homeless guy…oh, I got one…what if, and I know this is going to sound crazy…but, what if, you all stopped killing each other faster than I can say ‘religion’ for stupid, non-existent or man-made reasons.”
“Very insightful.”
“And cancel American Idol already. We don’t even allow that shit down south for fear it’s too inhumane. And trust me, we know inhumane…we have Cop Rock marathons on every channel on Sundays!”
“I’ll pass on the information. Thank you for the advisory. Well, it’s been wonderful having you here. I must admit, I wasn’t sure what to expect exactly, I mean, you hear Devil and your mind can tend to run with it.”
“Standard human, stereotypical buillshit. You guys really are fucked up up here. I’m outie.”
“And that, coming from Satan himself, folks. Scary.”
“Asshole.”
“Once again, I’m Skip Jensen bringing you the big names with the big games. Big…games? What the hell does that mean? Who writes this stuff? Anyhow, thanks again…and have a great night.”
© Copyright 2008 Jack Thomas
